


What You Want

by Kagemihari (soracia)



Series: Across the Years and Miles Between Us [2]
Category: Johnny's Entertainment, KAT-TUN (Band)
Genre: Angst, Comment Fic, Fluff, M/M, Romance, Sappy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-03-23
Updated: 2008-03-23
Packaged: 2017-10-24 09:28:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,312
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/261801
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/soracia/pseuds/Kagemihari
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A mirror fic or companion piece to the Jin in LA fic, not really a sequel but Kame's side of the story.</p><p><i>The first time Kame called Jin, he'd been putting it off for awhile. He knew it was going to be awkward, and it was kind of even worse than he'd been expecting.</i></p>
            </blockquote>





	What You Want

**Author's Note:**

> Kame POV of the phone calls to LA, originally posted [here](http://tinybars.livejournal.com/6565.html?thread=702885#t702885) as comment fic.

  
It actually hurt when Jin left; he wasn't expecting that. They hadn't been close for awhile now, had been stiff and increasingly awkward ever since Nobuta, or maybe before that; Kame wasn't even sure, but he'd been equally unprepared for the rush of relief he felt when they'd debuted as a group and things became slowly, painstakingly somewhat less awkward.

He'd been so relieved that it hadn't really occurred to him at first to wonder about the proportion of it, he'd been too caught up in _Jin doesn't hate me_ to think about why he wanted that so badly. Then he'd caught himself watching Jin's lips, his smile, the sway of his hips when he danced, and the subtle ache in his chest reminded him that yeah...that little crush he'd had on Jin...it hadn't ever really gone away.

Jin was exasperating...infuriating...confusing...all those things, but he was adorable too, and sexy, and Kame missed the days when they had been best friends, missed them so bad that it hurt. He wasn't sure why it hurt more when Jin actually left, considering he'd been missing Jin all along anyway. And hadn't been about to say anything to him about how he _really_ felt because no way in hell was he going to ruin the fragile comraderie they'd begun to reforge. He'd just wait, and maybe... maybe if Jin ever gave him so much as a hint that something like that was possible, then maybe he'd confess.

He wasn't holding his breath, though. Even if it did feel like he couldn't breathe when he watched the plane take off to carry Jin all the way to America.

\---

The first time Kame called Jin, he'd been putting it off for awhile. He knew it was going to be awkward, and it was kind of even worse than he'd been expecting. He hadn't known what to say, just wanted to hear Jin's voice, and the familiar sound made his throat tighten until he couldn't have spoken normally if he _had_ thought of something to say.

It baffled him as to why Jin always answered, always picked up his call even when he knew it was Kame and it was going to be awful. He just talked and talked and he never hung up, even when Kame couldn't find anything to say. Kame never minded when Jin started repeating himself, told the same stories of his day several times over, just wanted to hear his voice and hung on every word even when his own responses were so lame it made him wince.

Eventually one of them, usually Kame, would reluctantly point out that he had to go, needed sleep, and he would end the call, feeling a melancholy comfort just from listening to Jin talk. At least Jin didn't hate him. Kame had been afraid when he left that it was his fault, that Jin wanted to get away from him and the painful shards of their friendship, but he clung to the hope that was not the case every time Jin picked up the phone.

The first time he called Jin and realised Jin was drunk, it was a bit of a shock. Amusing, at first, and then Jin got emotional, saying how lonely he was and how much he missed Kame and KAT-TUN but especially Kame, and wished Kame would talk to him more. Kame didn't know what to say, how to react, so he just listened, and drunk Jin rambled even more freely than he normally did, and Kame wished he knew how to help him. Jin was so far away, and it was Kame that didn't know how to cross the distance.

Jin never asked what he'd said, for which Kame was grateful, because he had no idea how to tell Jin, even in a teasing manner, that Jin had said he missed all of them and missed Kame the most, and wanted...Kame wasn't clear on what he wanted, but it had something to do with himself and he had no idea how to explain that to Jin when Jin didn't even remember saying it, so all in all it was a good thing.

He called less often after that, not wanting to risk bothering Jin, not wanting to create an even more awkward situation, but sometimes when he'd had a rough day and he just ached inside with the emptiness where Jin had used to be, he couldn't help himself and he dialed the familiar number. It was a weakness and it was, perhaps, taking advantage of Jin's good nature, but after all Jin was far away and all alone and maybe he needed the reminder too, that he wasn't alone and they still needed him. Kame never wanted him to think that they didn't need him.

The second time he called and Jin answered when he was drunk, Kame winced immediately when the first thing out of Jin's mouth was, "Oh, I wasn't going to do this anymore." Great, he thought, just great. He really was bothering Jin, and unless he was drunk, Jin was just too nice to tell him to go to hell.

\------

The last thing Kame expected was for Jin to apologize, to accuse him of not talking to him and sound...hurt that Kame kept calling him without talking, apparently thinking he did it because he had to, or something. Drunk Jin was even more difficult to decipher than Jin normally was, but Kame thought he got the gist of it. Jin thought Kame didn't want to talk to him, only called him because...it was the thing to do, or something, Kame wasn't clear on that.

Why would he call Jin if he didn't want to talk to him? It wasn't like he didn't try, it was just... "I don't know what to say," he admitted awkwardly. Gone were the easy days when he could tell Jin anything, when he knew before he said it how Jin would react, when he knew which topics to avoid and which ones to treat with care. He just didn't know how to talk to Jin at all anymore, afraid of saying the wrong thing or too much, and it hurt him as much as it apparently hurt Jin, but the last thing he wanted to do was say something that would make Jin stop picking up the phone when he called.

He was surprised again, shocked really, by the response, the way Jin audibly melted over the phone, the warmth and affection in his voice and more than anything, shocked by the words – _my Kazuya._ Jin hadn't called him Kazuya for years, and certainly not 'his'. Kame tried to squash the rising bubble of hope in his chest, the wild elation as his brain tried frantically to decide what that meant.

 _I thought you were mad at me...we're friends, right, Kazu-chan?_ Kazu-chan, jesus. Kame just sat in stunned silence, listening as Jin went on and unable to believe what he was hearing. Friends? Jin thought _Kame_ was mad at him? He wanted to be friends?

"Mmm," Kame answered, stalling while he tried to process it all. Friends like they used to be, he supposed Jin meant, and right at this moment that was gift he couldn't pass up. It was enough, he told himself, it would be enough, it was more than he thought they'd have again, not so long ago. He wouldn't allow himself to be depressed that it wasn't more, he wouldn't.

But he could hear the weariness in his own voice when he answered, because going back to being very close friends with Jin, knowing that he didn't want more, was very akin to torture. "I guess," he said quietly, wanting to hope, but worrying. Aching still. "I guess that's what we are." If that was what Jin wanted, it would have to be good enough for him. It was at least so much better than the stiff and awkward silence.

Jin actually sounded relieved, which made his mood lighten a little again, and he even smiled a little as Jin returned to rambling at him with a fresh burst of energy and good cheer. Kame let himself believe it, that Jin really wanted at least that much, that he missed being friends. It was going to be hell, but he couldn't turn it down. He leaned his head back against the wall and just listened and listened, drinking in the happy note of glee in Jin's voice, the voice that sounded, in spite of a slight slur, more like the old Jin than he had when talking to Kame for a very long time.

\-------

It took some time for Kame to get used to that idea, that Jin was his best friend again, or wanted to be, and then there was a very busy week where he didn't have time to think about it, and by the time he could breathe again it had been two weeks since he talked to Jin, and he began to worry that he'd imagined it, or that Jin was mad at him again for some unfathomable Jin reason, because Jin hadn't called him either in all that time. It was usually Kame that called, but if it had been that long and they were supposed to be friends again, wouldn't Jin call him?

He spent another few days worrying about that, not wanting to call Jin and have him not answer because he wasn't sure he could stand it if Jin wasn't taking his calls anymore. By the time he decided the hell with it, and he had to know, it was almost three weeks later. He bit his lip when the phone rang four times, and then Jin finally answered. It was tense and horrible, both of them hesitating and interrupting each other when they did try to say something, Jin sounding stilted and miserable and Kame had no idea what to say.

Finally Jin burst out with his apology, _I'm really sorry. I was so drunk, I said stupid things, you shouldn't pay attention to me when I'm drunk._

Kame felt his breath catch in his chest, a hot, sharp ache that burned deep, and he listened numbly as Jin apologized over and over, clearly not wanting him to take anything he'd said seriously, and Kame felt the world crash and burn around him.

"Shut up," he said finally, sharply, unable to listen to it for another second, and Jin didn't sound like he was going to stop of his own accord. "It's fine," he added stiffly. "I forgot it already." He tucked the dream away, buried it deep and just ached while he listened to Jin stumble from topic to topic for another hour before he finally couldn't take it any more and interrupted him to say it was late, he had to go, work tomorrow and all that.

He felt dead inside, crushed, and he went to bed and buried his face in his pillow until he just about suffocated, because he refused to cry. He'd been a fool, that was all. Drunk ramblings didn't mean anything. Jin didn't really want to go back to the way things were. He wanted this, this awkward distance, this uneasy truce, and Kame refused to let his heart break. It was all his own fault.

After that it was hard, brutally hard to force himself to dial Jin's number, listen for the rings and wonder if this time, there would be no answer. But he still did it, every week or so, torturing himself with the sound of Jin's voice because no matter what their relationship might be, he _missed_ Jin, missed him bad and just wanted him home again. A part of the group again, even if Kame himself would never have any more of Jin than the surface.

Gradually they settled back into their former pattern, where Kame called and Jin rambled brightly about nothing until one of them called it off, and Kame hated himself for how much, how desperately he needed to hear Jin's voice, even knowing that he didn't really mean anything to Jin. They were colleagues, that was all. Friends perhaps, but barely.

It hurt more than anything had ever hurt in his life, and when he finally decided that he would let himself cry, he couldn't – it was all locked in a hard, painful knot in his gut, and he couldn't even release it in tears. They refused to come.

\------

It had been a long, hard day, and Kame was late getting home, tired as hell when he got the message Jin had left him. He looked at the phone, saw a missed call from Jin and a message waiting and he almost didn't listen to it, because he was tired and sore already and he didn't need another kick in the head today. But Jin had called him – called _him,_ without Kame having to be the one to reach out first, and he wanted that to mean something. Wished that it could mean something.

He told himself it didn't, that Jin was just bored or something and needed someone to ramble at, but he sighed, falling down on the couch and stretching himself out as he hit the button for messages, listening for Jin's voice and smiling a little bittersweet smile.

He sat bolt upright when the message started playing, startled and staring, wide eyed as he listened. Jin was obviously drunk, but...Kame listened bemusedly, shaking his head a little and feeling even more dazed than he had on the phone the last time this had happened.

 _"Kame... do you even like me anymore?"_ Not a whine, but almost desperate, honest hurt. It sounded real, sounded like he meant it, but what was Kame supposed to think? What the hell was that supposed to mean? Kame felt like he was tied to somebody's yo-yo, yanked up and down, back and forth and spun until he was dizzy. _"I mean, you said we're still friends but it doesn't feel like it, it just...jus' doesn't feel like it!"_

Jin sounded absolutely miserable, and Kame was completely baffled. It was Jin who didn't want to be friends anymore, wanted to keep the distance and the space, wanted...who the hell even knew what Jin wanted, Kame decided, because he was beginning to suspect that Jin himself didn't. It was the only explanation for all the mixed signals he was getting.

 _"You're mad at me about somethin' and I don't know why..."_ Was he crying? Shit, he sounded like he was crying. True, he was drunk, but Kame had never felt more stunned in his entire life. Just like last time... all the same things, and it wasn't that he didn't mean it. That wasn't it at all. Jin might be drunk, but that pain was real. _"I know I'm stupid but you don't have to call me if you don't want to talk to me...Kame? Why don't you like me anymore, Kazu-chan? I still like you, I like you best, Kazuya, but you don't like me anymore."_

Kame just shook his head over and over, not even knowing whether to laugh or cry. He hadn't been kidding himself, last time. He hadn't been wrong. Jin really was missing him too – feeling the distance and hurting just as much. Stupid, stupid Jin. How did anyone not like Jin, that was what Kame would like to know. He was just irresistible like that - even when he was a complete idiot, like now.

There was a very long silence in which Jin sniffled some more, and Kame just listened to him breathing, closing his eyes and hardly breathing himself until the message cut off. Then he let out a long sigh and dropped the phone, sitting motionless, staring blindly into nowhere and finally rubbing his head wearily. Jin was an idiot. He really needed to start remembering that.

\-----

It was several hours later, and Kame had had time to get himself pretty well sloshed before his phone rang. Drinking had seemed the best way to deal with things at the time; strangely, it made a lot of things clearer. Jin was an idiot, but Kame was determined not to let him get away with it. Making them both miserable for no good reason – it had to stop. But right then it had only been 6 am in LA...too early to call Jin, even if he did deserve to be woken up and shouted at for being so stupid. Besides, it wasn't entirely Jin's fault. Kame really should have known better, he thought.

He was sitting on his bed, leaning against the wall and drinking his third, or maybe his fourth, glass of the strongest stuff he'd been able to find. He was a little surprised when the phone rang, but oddly not surprised to see that it was Jin, and even less surprised to hear Jin frantically apologizing and begging him not to listen to the message because he'd said stupid things. While that was undoubtedly true, it was far too late and it wasn't like not listening to it would have made things any better. Obviously Jin didn't even remember what he'd said, and Kame wondered vaguely why the hell Jin was so scared of Kame knowing how he felt, anyway.

Surely he hadn't been that scary lately? Well, maybe he had. They were both stupid.

He rolled his eyes and interrupted in a lazy voice, his mouth feeling slow and strange. He'd maybe had a little too much to drink, he reflected idly. "Jin, you're always stupid," he informed his friend – they were definitely friends, at least, he was sure of that now. "That's what I love about you." He hadn't exactly meant to say that, but oh well, it couldn't hurt.

There was a confused silence before Jin blurted out, "You do?" He sounded wary and baffled and Kame couldn't really blame him; it was nice turning the tables for once, throwing Jin as off balance as he'd been making Kame feel lately.

"Yeah," he agreed comfortably, considering it. That warm and fuzzy feeling wasn't entirely alcohol – it must be love, because there was no other reason he'd be feeling so affectionate toward Jin when he was being a complete moron. "Guess I do. I dunno why, you don't seem to like me very much either, and you said you didn't mean it, that you missed me, or you wanted to be friends, but then you go and leave messages like that and what's a guy supposed to think, Jin? What do you want, anyway?"

He felt that it was really very important for Jin to think about this, because Kame needed to know the answer, and he suspected that Jin did, too.

"I...I..." Jin sounded adorably lost and confused, and Kame smiled a silly smile to himself as he listened to Jin fumbling for an answer. "I want you? I mean I, I do like you, and I thought we were friends, and I just...I miss you being my best friend." Jin sounded so absolutely miserable that Kame felt like petting his head and saying aww, as if he were a cute puppy. Jin really was rather like a cute puppy sometimes.

But he needed to start paying attention, and Kame felt compelled to point a few things out to him. The floaty drunk feeling made it so much easier somehow to say the things he knew needed to be said. "Well," he mused, tipping his head back against the wall and focusing fuzzily on the ceiling, "I miss that too, I do, but it's kind of hard, Jin, being that close to you when that's all you want and I...I think I'm in love with you."

It wasn't as hard as he thought it would be, admitting it to himself, let alone Jin. "See, I wasn't going to tell you," he went on, rambling for once because the alcohol made it easy and Jin needed to know things and it was better to just say it all at once. "...so I thought I just wouldn't tell you unless I thought maybe you felt the same way. But you never did..." Kame sighed, regretting how blind they'd both been, how they hadn't been able to see that they both missed each other – needed each other. Kizuna wasn't broken; it was just lost, forgotten.

"You're in love with me?" Jin sounded absolutely astonished, and Kame felt faintly insulted. "But you're drunk," he went on, obviously trying to rationalise away his own wishful thinking, and Kame just shook his head, waiting for him to wind down again. He snorted softly when Jin finally asked him what had been in the message, and didn't bother to answer directly. It was saved in his phone, Jin could listen to it later if he wanted to that bad.

"I shouldn't've let you scare me, Jin," he murmured lazily, enjoying the freedom he had to use Jin's name so familiarly again, lingering a little on the sound. People didn't lie when they were drunk, most people told more truth than they ever normally would when they were drunk – it was a well known and documented fact. He should've remembered that. Really should've....

"You said you like me best, Jin," he interrupted himself suddenly, needing to know. "Do you like me best? I suppose I can live with that for now..." Jin might not be in love with him, but Kame figured that if Jin liked him best the way he used to, it wouldn't be that hard to talk him into more.

"Wait wait," Jin muttered, and Kame held his breath, almost worried again, but not really. Come on, come on, say it... "I said that? Oh god, what else did I say? Please tell me I didn't tell you about that dream I had..."

Kame blinked. Well he hadn't been expecting that. Jin was dreaming about him? He smiled slowly, lips curving up as he cradled the phone against his ear, his half empty third-or-fourth glass sitting forgotten beside him.

"And what dream would that be?" he asked softly, grinning as he could practically hear Jin start blushing over the phone. No, this wasn't going to be hard at all. Except in the very best way.

  
\----

It sure as hell wasn't nothing. Not the way Jin was stammering and flustered by the question, and Kame knew exactly what he would look like, blushing and sexy and god, he was beautiful. Kame wanted to lick him like ice cream. Or something.

"Doesn't sound like nothing," he pointed out, remembering his half empty glass and draining it. He felt kind of like mush, now, and slid further down the wall. "You been dreaming about me, Jin? Was it a good dream?"

He listened to Jin sputtering on the other end, and grinned wickedly to himself. Oh, yeah. Akanishi Jin was so his. "Was I naked?" he asked knowingly. Gleefully he listened to the yelp of surprise and the ensuing stammers as Jin attempted to deflect him, but the nervous laughter gave him away. Jin shouldn't even try to lie to him, really; Kame was way better at it than he was.

"It would be nice," he pointed out musingly, leaning forward to put his empty glass on the table beside his bed and stretching out on his back, smirking at the ceiling. "Since I dream about you naked all the time."

Jin made an indescribable sound, and Kame's smirk got a little bigger. "You know what, you're drunk," Jin told him, rather deseperately. "You don't know what you're saying, obviously." Kame thought fondly that Jin was thinking way too hard about all of this. Jin should leave the thinking to the smart people.

"Believe me," he murmured, letting his voice drop into that low, sexy tone that tended to make fangirls faint. "I know exactly what I'm saying." He could hear the husky ache of need in his own voice, bit his lip and rubbed the heel of his hand against his crotch as he listened to Jin groan and whimper and gasp his name like he felt it too.

 _Kazuya._ It sounded good when Jin said it, sounded sexy, and it made him shiver. He almost laughed when Jin asked him if he was really drunk. He was aware enough to know that they probably wouldn't be having this conversation if he wasn't. Good thing he was then, he thought, patting himself mentally on the back.

"Mhmm," he answered, licking his lips as he imagined tasting Jin's skin, his mouth...everything. "Yeah, I'd say so," he agreed absently, not much interested in rhetorical questions. Then it occurred to him that Jin sounded doubtful, sounded like he thought Kame was having him on, and that was just hilarious. "Don't you believe me?" he asked amusedly, smirking as he humped against his own hand, feeling ridiculously turned on as he taunted Jin with his stupid doubts. Teasing. He loved teasing Jin; he was such an easy target.

"I know what I want," he finished in a soft, husky voice, full and dark and suggestive. Oh yeah, he knew alright. He wanted Jin, anyway he could have him. "Do you?"

It was impossible not to recognize the gasping and panting sounds of Jin jerking himself off, whimpering a little and sounding almost like he was sobbing when he answered haltingly, "I want to believe you. I want you to mean it." Kame just smirked some more, rolling his hips and sliding a hand into his pants to stroke himself in a leisurely fashion. Jin was his, Jin was all his, and he might not know it yet, but he wanted it.

"Dammit, Kazuya!" Kame shuddered all over, loving the sound of his name in that rough, aroused tone in Jin's voice. "You better not be fucking with me!"

Kame blinked, startled but amused, and then he laughed, low and throaty as he admired the double entendre in that statement. "Don't worry," he promised in a dark, sinful voice, knowing exactly how he sounded and reveling in it. Promising Jin that there was definitely going to be fucking, and he was damn well going to enjoy it, too. He felt highly pleased with himself as he listened to the strangled, choked noise Jin made when he came, and could only imagine what he looked like – but he meant to know, soon enough.

"Dammit," Jin gasped when he could finally talk again, and Kame's smirk widened. "I swear I'm going to kill you if you aren't serious," Jin threatened him, and Kame just laughed, with all the heat and want in his body coloring the sound. Oh, he was serious alright. Jin had no _idea_ how fucking serious he was. The double entendre even in his thoughts made him laugh some more, feeling so aroused and loving and wanting that he could hardly stand it, and he hung up the phone, still laughing.

"Oh Jin," he murmured to himself, grinning like an idiot. "You are so mine."

\----

Kame had been waiting all day, half expecting and half hoping, and when Jin called him on his lunch break, he skipped out without any hesitation.

It was highly unusual for him to do so, because normally nothing was more important than work. But today there was Jin, and Jin was calling him, and if he didn't answer he wouldn't be able to breathe. And therefore wouldn't be able to work, either, so it was no choice at all really.

"I wondered how long that was going to take you," he answered the phone on his way out of the studio, grinning and just a little bit breathless. He felt a touch of shyness now, in bright daylight without the fortifying effects of liquid courage, but he could still remember the euphoria and sheer fucking relief he'd felt the night before. Jin might not be all the way there yet, but he was going to be. Kame was determined not to let him slip away again.

"What? Decide?" Jin sounded a little dazed, and even more breathless than Kame felt. It made him smile, but he shook his head too, knowing that while Jin would remember the night before, it didn't necessarily mean he'd finished being an idiot.

"What you want," he explained, trying to settle the sudden flutter of unease in his gut. No matter what Jin said, he wasn't giving up again, not ever.

"...Ohgod," Jin's voice came back, sounding shaken, and Kame heard a rustle and soft thud which he hoped meant Jin was sitting down now. He sounded hesitant and uncertain as he again protested that Kame had been drunk and might not have known what he was saying; Kame rolled his eyes.

"I remember," he answered patiently, but it stung a little that Jin still did not seem to believe him, and he couldn't help questioning it.

He heard Jin sigh, and then there was silence for a long minute – Kame found a bench on the sidewalk and sat down, unable to focus on where he was going anymore. He held his breath, about to say something when Jin finally spoke again, his voice uncertain.

"You were serious? You're..." Kame could _hear_ him blushing, in the short flustered pause before Jin managed to say the L word.

He sighed as he recognized the discomfort in Jin's voice, realising that regardless of what Jin wanted, the fact that he wanted it seemed to be freaking him out a bit. Kame might need to give him more time...and space, and he dreaded the thought of trying to be Jin's friend while he waited for him to get over it.

He refused to allow himself to consider the possibility that Jin might not get over it, that he might be so freaked out by the whole thing that he wouldn't want to give it a chance.

Reluctantly, he told Jin they could just forget that anything happened. Kame knew he wouldn't be forgetting it, and he doubted that Jin would either, but if Jin wanted to pretend that he didn't know Kame was in love with him, if that was what it took to get his friend back, then he could do it.

He was immensely relieved to get an immediate and emphatic no, and he had to laugh at the disbelief in Jin's voice. "Did you think I could just forget that?" Kame knew exactly how Jin would look on the other end of the phone, rumpling his own hair and looking incredulous at the idea of being able to forget listening to Kame's voice while he jerked off.

"I wasn't sure what part of it you were freaking out about," he pointed out. Could be any number of things, knowing Jin. The silence was just long enough for him to start to worry before Jin's voice came again – with a helpless note and a grin in it this time, assuring him that he wasn't bothered at all.

"I want you," he said finally, sounding as giddy as Kame felt, and Kame just laughed in relief, because that was the second time Jin had said it to him and he was definitely going to hold him to it this time. Neither of them were drunk, or confused, and there were no excuses left.

"I want it all, Kazuya," Jin repeated, and Kame felt warm all the way through, hearing his name in that soft, serious voice. "All of you," and Kame thought he'd never heard anything better in his life.

"Then that's the way it'll be," he agreed, so relieved it almost hurt, and smiling fit to break his face. "That's what I want too."

 _All of you._


End file.
